Goat Romance

I told this story to a vendor at the Eugene Holiday Market last Sunday and she started tearing up, saying there was hope yet for good relationships out there. Her response made me consider sharing it with you, although tears are optional because it made me laugh as well.

For those of you just tuning in, friends in Southern Oregon have a couple of kids. Nothing unusual about that, except the “kids” are goats. And by goats I mean hairy beasts with pointy horns and cloven hooves. So what? Lotsa people have goats.

Yes, but in their homes? Goats that lounge by the fire chewing cud or sit on the couch watching television and cuddling with their human “parents?” How many goats you know that have their own Santa stockings hanging from the mantle or wear leopard print customized diapers? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Because 150-lb goaties that dwell indoors take a lot of work, Goat Papa decided to take Goat Mama on a romantic holiday come Christmas. Last August, after he discovered that her favorite musician, Italian tenor Andrea Bocelli, would be in Las Vegas for a one-night only concert, he knew his challenge, should he accept it, would be to get her to that concert without her knowing. In other words, a surprise.

But a very important piece of information is that Goat Mama, while human, is more like a dog with a bone. If she even whiffs of a hint of a plot, she’ll dig and dig AND dig until she unearths it. Goat Papa knew who he was up against and decided to take her on.

Formulating his plan, the first step was to throw her off the scent. Concocting a story about winning free tickets to a Barry Manilow concert in Vegas, he managed to invent an email to himself from the “radio station” that she would stumble upon. Because he kept the free concert fable under wraps, Goat Mama thought she discovered something she wasn’t supposed to and when confronting Goat Papa with it, he acted all disappointed that his “surprise” was ruined. She was cackling, pleased to have discovered his secret.

But did she? Mwa ha ha.

Of course, Groom and I were in on it from the beginning, so we managed the appropriate combination of glee, horror and happiness for a convincing response when they told us about their plans of flying to Sin City to become “Fanilows” for an evening.

His mother was also in on the plot. She purchased the spendy Andrea Bocelli tickets using her own credit card so there would be no paper trail for her blood hound of a daughter-in-law to chance upon.

And then there was the inevitable moment when Goat Mama learned that her beloved Bocelli was appearing in Las Vegas, for one night only on the very same evening as the “stupid Manilow concert.” Oh the lamenting. Of course, she had to check into ticket pricing and was even more disappointed to discover that at this late date only the very expensive seating remained (uh, gulp, like $2,000 a piece).

Up to the final minute, when the limousine picked them up from their Luxor Hotel around 7pm this past Saturday evening, December 11, 2010, she still had no clue. As their swanky ride headed toward The MGM Grand Garden Arena, Goat Papa played the offensive and commented how few signs there were advertising the Manilow concert. A little sulkily, she mumbled that it was because he was no big deal anymore. Ouch!

Cuddling in the back seat of the stretch, he handed her a card in which he professed his ever-present love and finally, after months of plotting, planning, close calls and hand wringing, gifted her with the real concert tickets. What, no Barry Alan Pincus Manilow after all? In an instant, her desire became manifest… great seats to hear the blind, enigmatic opera singer, Andrea Bocelli. Oh gracious, the water works. I hope they got flood insurance for the limo.

Of course, we heard about this blow-by-blow as texting is an easy and convenient way to convey quick messages such as “in the limo now.” But we also received a phone call right away, as soon as she had those hot tickets in hand. Phew! So glad the cat’s out of the bag.

Although Andrea has a gorgeous voice, personally, it also would have been fun to hear, “Her name was Lola, she was a show girl with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there…” on the strip from the man himself.

Whatever your tastes, you can’t argue with love.